


Sacrifice and Forgiveness

by fallenTerpsichore



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Betrayal, Episode Related, Fix-It of Sorts, Friendship, Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-15 23:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenTerpsichore/pseuds/fallenTerpsichore
Summary: Author's note:The whole Upsala episode bothered me and especially the calm and casual way Athelstan treated everyone after almost getting tricked into being sacrificed. They tend to time jump between episodes and you know we didn't get to see Athelstan yell at Ragnar or give people the cold shoulder, because come on ... you know there had to be a discussion about in some way shape or form with someone. So I was rewatching this episode and I paid more attention to the calculating looks on Ragnar's face, when they are accusing Athelstan of being an improper sacrifice and this idea wouldn't leave me alone...





	

Sacrifice and Forgiveness  
By fallenterpsichore

 

Ragnar didn't know exactly that he was dreaming. He knew that the images around him were not right though. He had not been there, when the holy men told Athelstan that he was to be a sacrifice. Now though, he was there, to see those pretty eyes widen in shock and fear... and betrayal. He watched frozen, as one of the faceless men grabbed his little priest by his dark curly hair to yank his head back and expose his pale throat. The knife flashed upwards bright and sharp, and Athelstan's blood was so very very red, though the rest of the world seemed to go grey, as his priest's pretty eyes glazed over in death. He didn't know he was dreaming until the feeling of despair and sorrow overflowed in his chest to come out as a real sob that wrenched him into reality. He looked frantically around the room bathed in the warm firelight and saw his wife and children, Siggy, her daughter, and his brother, but not the priest.

His priest had been staring at him more than usual all evening, but only when Ragnar was not looking. Anytime he tried to meet Athelstan's eyes, the little man would look down and away. He had forced the man to sleep next to him and Lagertha, instead of the farthest corner, and even then the priest had just quietly laid down and turned away from him, presenting his back without a word. Ragnar had a horrible feeling, one that had been growing all evening, that he had shattered something precious. His priest had never run away from him before, although he had certainly given the man plenty of opportunity to do so, and had even given him permission once, surely though he had not gone far. Not now. There were too many strangers near by still, people that would make Athelstan nervous and shy. Regardless, Ragnar obeyed his instincts, wrapped a blanket around himself tightly and slipped out quietly in search of his priest with all due haste.

He mostly certainly would deny the audible sigh of relief he gave though, when he found the small man not 30 feet away sitting on the ground, staring up at the stars. Athelstan looked perfectly serene, if a little melancholy, his face bathed in starlight and shadow. Why did the man always have to be so beautiful?

"There you are my friend. You should come back to bed. I was worried, when I woke to find you missing from my side." Ragnar felt his heart twinge, that was way more honest than he had ever intended to be. He knew he was in even more trouble though, when Athelstan's peaceful face crumpled on the words "my friend".

"Maybe you were just feeling guilty, because you tried to have me sacrificed to your gods today. Oh, but that would probably be my mistake... you would have to care, to feel guilty." 

The words came out softly, but their subdued volume couldn't mask the sharp bitter edge with which they were spoken.

Athelstan actually sounded angry, and Ragnar boggled a bit at the idea. His dear gentle little priest never got truly upset with anyone, not even Ragnar, though sometimes he and the others mocked his curiosity and confusion without mercy. The man was often rather jumpy and timid to be sure, like a gentle doe easily startled, but the fears were too easily soothed for Ragnar to not know there was great courage and depth just underneath the normally calm surface. This was something new and unfamilar, and almost a wonder to him.

"You are angry with me." 

"Yes! Yes, I am angry with you! You were going to kill me! I saved your life once! Or did you imagine that you alone would magically not drown, when you fell wounded from that cliff?! Who do you think helped pulled you from the water?! Doesn't that count for anything? Shouldn't that alone have protected me?!"

"I think we are even on that score. I spared your life more than once as well, priest. " Ragnar's tone was still half playful, with only mild irritation.

Athelstan's face flushed red again as he shouted in rage. "My life was only in danger BECAUSE OF YOU!" What followed next was a string of equally angry and incomprehensible foreign curses. 

Ragnar frowned now in honest concern. He had never heard Athelstan speak so and he was beginning to realize that his priest, was more than a little upset and throwing all caution to the wind. Most of his people understood the strange leniency that he and his wife afforded Athelstan and excepted it, but surely not everyone would be so forgiving if this behavior continued out in the open like this. Thank goodness, for the moment, it was night time and everyone was sound asleep.

"Does your god not teach forgiveness?” Ragnar asked some what hopeful to turn aside this arguement. He was tired and he just wanted to tuck the man shouting at him into bed between himself and Lagertha and be grateful that he could.

"My god-!? How dare you? What do you think I have been doing all this time? I have done nothing but forgive you. 

You stole me from my home. I forgave you. You destroyed my home. I forgave you. You killed my brothers. I forgave you. You made me a slave and still I forgave you. Then you manipulated and used me. I just can't- I don't know how to forgive you for this!"

"I never treated you like a slave. I gave you a place in my home !"

"No! You offered me a place in your home, so I would feel safe, so I would let my guard down. You offered me sex and then allowed me to say no, when it clearly scared me, to get me to trust you. At first I wasn't sure what you were playing at, but I realized you were going to keep waving temptation after temptation in front of me until I broke. So when you pretended to be my friend and got me drunk, so you could get information about my homeland out of me, make me a traitor to my countrymen, I let you. What?! Did you really think I didn't know what you were doing? I was scared, not stupid. No, stupid came later. I knew it was all lies to get what you wanted out of me and I told myself it shouldn't hurt, but it did... and then I forgave you. "

Athelstan looked at his Earl, but could see little in the starlight and shadows. He fervently hoped his own face was just as shrouded. He really didn't want the man to see exactly how much he had been hurt by his games. And oh, it had hurt so much more than he had implied. It was after Ragnar had clearly gotten the information he wanted and the offer to join them had never been repeated, that he knew it had been pure manipulation and there had been no honest feelings behind it. It had surprised him how much that lie had hurt, not being wanted, even if he couldn't have any of it because of his vows, even if it had terrified him at the time.

"Why would you though ? If you knew ? Then why?"

"I didn't do it for you. I followed my faith, Ragnar. I turned the other cheek. I loved my enemy and my neighbor. I loved and cared for your children. I told myself, ' it could be worse. It could always be so much worse. They don't beat you or starve you and they don't ra-rape you... Th-they let you say no... let you keep your vows.' I tried to make myself useful. I tried to learn. I foolishly thought things had changed, though... even when you still mocked me on occasion. I thought- I thought..."

"It... wasn't always a lie. We did -"

Athelstan grimaced as if struck and turned his face further away into the shadows. "Stop it!" He hissed. "You don't get to pretend that you ever cared about me! As if I EVER mattered to you!"

“Don't say that! Of course you matter to us! If what you offer the gods does not matter, then it is not a sacrifice,” Ragnar nearly shouted, desperate to get his priest to understand.

"But that's just it, Ragnar. There's things you just don't sacrifice, isn't there ? They're the ones you make the sacrifices for! You would never think of sacrificing Lagertha or your children or any part of your family and that is where I am the biggest fool. Isn't it? Because I thought I wasn't a thing anymore. I thought I was family. "

"Athelstan... please. You are not a fool. "

"Oh, but I am... I am so stupid, because you will never see me as anything but your thrall. Something you can just take. If I was truly not a slave as you said, then why did you not ask me for my sacrifice? You didn't even ask! You just took all my choices away! Again! Lied to me! Again! Thought to use me for your own profit! AGAIN! As if you had the right! My eyes have been forced open. You are not my family. I'm not sure you were ever my friend."

"Athelstan... please. You are loved. We do care." 

"You proved to me today that you don't know how to love... I would do everything I could to protect any of you, even die defending you if I had to," Athelstan paused to glare pointedly at the viking, before he continued. "But I would let the whole world burn to the ground before I would willing put a knife to your throat. And now I don't know whether to be grateful to be alive or not, because I don't know how to live with this knowledge of what I am not worth to you, let alone how to forgive..."

"Please... stop this."

"I can not. I feel like one sharp breeze might cause me to shatter.... so, no, Ragnar. I do not want to come to bed. I do not want you or anyone in your tent to touch me or comfort me right now. YOU can not make it better."

"I... I am sorry... for not telling you the truth."

"Ragnar..."

The single word was spoken so very quietly, as were the ones that followed, barely more than a whisper, the voice tired and worn.

"Go away."

Ragnar felt stunned at Athelstan's outburst. He'd had absolutely no idea how much pain his priest had been holding in all this time, and was in fact rendered quite speechless by the whole display.

He had played a horribly risky game this last month while mourning the loss of his unborn child, argueing with his wife, and planning how best to avoid loosing his priest to the gods at Upsala. No one understood just exactly how valuable Athelstan really was to their future, but Ragnar knew. He had seen the valkyries on the battle field. He'd heard Odin's raven whisper in his ear. The Earl knew without a doubt that the gods had given Athelstan to him and him alone and no one was going to take him away from Ragnar, not if he could help it.

Lagertha had kept pushing him to make Athelstan the sacrifice for Upsala, not that she ever let Gyda hear her say it and that should have been a telling sign in and of its self. Everyone knew the priest had value. He was beautiful and patient; he worked hard and he was very loyal to the Earl's entire family, but Kattegut still thought of him as an outsider. They all thought the gentle man was perfect for the sacrifice, worthy, but not one of them. So Ragnar had finally given in, secretly though he hatched a plan, playing a desperate gamble, and now even though the priest's blood was not decorating the altar, Ragnar was not sure he had won.

After hearing that despairing request for him to just "go away", it took less than a heartbeat, for Ragnar to make the decision to tell his little priest the truth about everything.

He put a hand under the man's arm and pulled him quickly to his feet. Athelstan yelped half in protest and half in surprise as he was jerked upwards, and even though he struggled to pull himself free, Ragnar would have none of it as he dragged him off toward the trees.

When Athelstan began to protest louder, Ragnar hushed him, his breath hot against the priest's ear. "No. We cannot speak anymore of this here. If anyone heard your insolent out burst, I could yet loose you and I refuse to let that happen now."

And so Ragnar dragged a now mostly docile and confused Athelstan further away from discovery into the forest. When he deemed it safe enough he stopped and turned the priest to face him, head held firm in his hands, so the man could not look away from his truth.

"You know, yes? That a sacrifice must come knowingly and of their own free will to Upsala."

Athelstan looked at Ragnar in confusion. "Yes, But-"

"Firstly, it was not my choice to make you the sacrifice and I chose not to tell you on purpose. It was part of my plan. I let everyone think that I did not tell you only because it broke my heart to do so and it was the truth. It was too much of them to ask of my heart, to loose both, you and my son. I wanted your surprise and shock to be real when they told you at the temple, so all would know you were not willing. 

I didn't want you to know too soon either, because I didn't want you become comfortable with the idea of your death. I knew that you would quickly realize that if you were not sacrificed, then someone else would have to be in your stead; and if you had time to think, you wouldn't allow that. I am a horribly selfish creature and I wanted to keep you. Do you understand now? Athelstan?"

The priest had put his own hands over Ragnar's that were still holding him steady and the shocked confusion had given way to a flood of tears, punctuated by the occasional sob.

"You can be mad at me, if you wish... but be mad because I tricked my friends into giving a true sacrifice, instead of letting them use you because you were convenient and expendable in their eyes. Be angry because I am a selfish bastard, who could not give you up. Not because you think I lied to you or that I heartlessly treated you like property."

Ragnar leaned in and pressed his forehead to Athelstan's while gently brushing away his priest's tears with his thumbs.

"I'm sorry." Athelstan choked out between sobs. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. Oh, please..."

Ragnar could feel his own throat tighten with emotion as he tried to continue. Oh, why did his priest have to be so beautiful even while crying like something broken?

"At the risk of incurring your wrath again, I have long since believed that you are most favored by all the gods and that they have graciously given you to me." With those words Ragnar took hold of the wrist that still had his priest's holy symbol and brought said holy symbol to his lips with a forceful kiss. "And I am grateful to your god for protecting you, but make no mistake, you do belong to me and no one else, my friend... "

Athelstan laughed at that, even through his tears; a smile beginning to creep across his face.

"As for the rest... I am guilty of wanting to know everything about your homeland, but not just for the reasons you think I do. I want to learn your language and make alliances and treaties too... I get you drunk, because it amuses me to spoil you. And I let you say "no", because IF you ever come to my bed, I want you willing and you are very much worth waiting for. You, my beautiful brave priest, are worth everything."

Ragnar pulled Athelstan in close and wrapped his arms around the smaller man tightly, tucking him snugly under his chin. The priest's tears had slowed little, and though Ragnar was fairly sure they were the good kind now, it was still unsettling to hear Athelstan cry so desperately.

"Shush, now. It's okay. It's over. I won't ever let them try to take you from me again. I swear it." Ragnar brushed a gentle hand through the priest's curls, as he continued to speak soft soothing words. "Please, don't cry anymore, Athelstan. Shoosh. Please, say you'll forgive me for scaring you so badly. I thought you knew that I cared. I didn't mean to leave you in the dark, my dear friend."

"Yes. Yes, I forgive you. Just, Ragnar...? Don't do it again. Okay?"

"I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I need to apologize for writing this instead of finishing one of my many other stories....
> 
> But I hope you enjoyed it....
> 
> Just ignore that looming episode in season 3.


End file.
